Sunday, July 16, 2006

What a day. I slept at 4.30am. Woke up at 7.30am. Had breakfast. Packed my guitar. Took off to my old house to get my $500 worth of financial assistance from MOE. That's probably the only good thing that happened to me in a long time. Reached Jurong East at 1.30pm. Waited. Waited. And waited. Until 5.30 where the event finally began. We were supposed to start at 2.30... and then it got pushed to 5.30... and then it got pushed further to 6.30. From 30 mins worth of jamming time, we were cut down to playing only 2 songs.

Which was worse, cuz we screwed up the 2 songs.

1. I'd Rather Be In Love - Michelle Branch

- rather easy, no difficulty whatsoever. Girly Pop Rock kinda stuff. We screwed up.

2. Lay Me Down - The Wreckers(which comprises of Michelle Branch)

- even easier, noob song. We screwed up.

The vocalist could barely be heard. Why? One of the guitars was about 500 percent louder than the rest of us. Even the drums. And the guitar was not mine. I mean, it made absolute sense to turn around and turn the volume knob down. How difficult is that? If the volume is too loud, then reduce it. The fucking amp is behind you. Turn the fucking knob. DUH. How fucking hard is it to do so. Perhaps he didnt realize that the volume was too loud. Then maybe he's fucking deaf in the fucking ear. Perhaps he didnt realize that he could reduce the volume from the amplifier. I don't know, but whatever it is, I did whatever i could to help. I stopped playing in the middle of the song in order to try and rectify the obscene level of his volume with his pedal, but it didn't work.

Oh, i tried. I tried to remedy the situation. He just stood there. And drowned the entire library with entertaining white noise. Oh well, he then told it "It wasn't my fault". Sure, it wasn't. I agree, totally it wasn't your fault. Of course it wasn't your fault. But it sure as hell wasn't mine.

2 songs. 2 songs and we can still manage to screw things up. We were planning for 7. What else could have happened? We can't even play a single song coherently together. So much for being a band.

Well, we can't blame any one person. Sanjay is a fantastic drummer, Sze Min is a great vocalist, and Ching is one the best guitarists in school. So its my fault. I'm just not good enough. After all, I was the one who cost us the loss in talentime. I was too individualistic. They're probably gonna blame me for this post anyways. "Oh you're too exaggerating." "Oh, stop making a big deal out of it." "Oh, stop throwing a tantrum."

Is it? Is this too exaggerating? Every performance I had I walked off the stage feeling like a piece of shit. Why? We never pull it off. Its not even close to good. I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for satisfaction. That's all there is to it. The worst thing were the claps. Patronizing claps. I hate that. However weak I am in my guitar skills, I am after all a performer. I want to perform, I want to make music. The last fucking thing i need is to be shown false appreciation.

So this is what i get for practising every fucking night. Every god damned night i pick up my guitar and i practise the songs we do. I'm not exactly into all of this Michelle Branch, Avril Lavigne shit. But I practise it anyways. In the end what do i get? Fucked up reactions from the audience. Fucked up performance. Fucked up attitude. Fucked up everything. Don't get me wrong. I'm fucked up too.

I don't ever want to walk off any fucking stage and regret the performance. I don't ever want to get fucked up results after i've given everything i got for something.

If we played our best, and we still lost, then i got nothing to say. Then we lost with dignity. But if we lost because of a fucked up performance, then there's the shame. I don't know about how the others feel, but this is how i feel.

At least i'm prepared to give it 110 percent. But this is a band. It's not enough for me to not make mistakes. It's not enough for me to not fuck up. If you fucked up, then you jolly well take the shit. Don't fucking tell me not to fucking fuck you up, because if you didnt fuck up, then there's nothing for me to fuck you up for.
If that didn't make any fucking sense, then you should fuck off.

I'm not going to harp on this anymore. I've got to move on. It so much easier to do things alone. Nothing to coordinate. Nothing to worry about. Everything under control. From now on i'm gonna concentrate on my own guitar. My own sound. My own practising. Call me selfish. At least when i screw up i only have myself to blame. That way it'll feel less fucked up.

-evan. sorry for the length. sorry for the tantrum. i'm only human.
the guys at 7:25 PM